It has been a little over 8 months since my “fetal demise”, which is sort of a late term miscarriage. I am doing fine. I am doing fantastic, really, considering I can get out of bed each day, keep the house, and be there for my kids. But I still have my down times coping with miscarriage. I know that grief is a process and I try to be patient with myself but it is still hard. The grief of losing a baby is an emotional burden that goes beyond logic. There is a surprising element of anger about losing my baby that I must deal with.
Losing A Baby At 26 Weeks Of Pregnancy
To be clear, when a pregnancy loss occurs at 26 weeks, it is generally referred to as a stillbirth rather than a miscarriage. Miscarriages are typically defined as pregnancy losses that occur before 20 weeks of gestation. However, besides doctors, I don’t think most people know the exact distinction and I didn’t know what was happing to me. The doctor only used the words “fetal demise”.
At 26 weeks I saw a few spots of blood. Scary but not the end of the world. I tried to stay calm and I phoned my midwife. She said to meet her at the hospital. As a precaution, I should be checked. I left my children with the neighbor and my husband drove me to the hospital. I wondered what would happen. As my mind went through the possible outcomes, I figured I would probably get bed rest orders. I figured if worst came to worst and it was born early it could probably make it as a premie.
The doctor listened for a heartbeat. He couldn’t find one. He kept checking and still I tried to stay calm. “They are freaking me out for nothing,” I told myself. They will find the heartbeat soon. No. He didn’t find it. He kept checking things and I kept trying to tell myself everything would be ok. Then, he said, “I’m sorry to tell you but there is no heart beat.” I really hardly heard him after that. The blood was rushing in my head and I was thinking, “Stop talking. This can’t be right. Stop talking.”
Later I found out I what seemed so unfair and yet obvious really. I still had to give birth that day. Just the baby wouldn’t be alive. I have no words to express the sadness that goes with a stillbirth.
Still Coping With So Many Feelings After Losing My Baby
Some days I am fine- like maybe I never was pregnant or maybe I still am. I try to stay busy so I don’t think about it.
Other days, I’m not. I’m sad. I’m so sad. The grief just comes bursting out and the tears rush down my face in the supermarket parking lot or while I am washing dishes. Often without warning. And sometimes I am angry. Angry that my baby died and there is no reason. Angry that the other pregnant ladies I know get to have their child and I don’t. Why me? I know there is no reason. No answer. I tell myself everything happens for the best. I understand it could be worse. But knowing and feeling don’t always connect. The emotions are so big and so hard to handle.
I am generally ruled by my rational side. I didn’t even know the child, why does it hurt so bad? When will it stop? Time heals everything, so I have been told. I have an angel watching over me now, someone else told me that.
But I feel older. Much older and much less joyful. I find myself not caring about other people’s problems. I want to say, so what?! Did you lose a child? But I know that is self-centered and not moving me forward. I suppose that I am lucky that my tragedy took 34 years to hit me. Some people’s saddest day comes way sooner.
My happiest day was the day I married my husband. My most amazing day was the day my daughter was born. And then the day my son was born. My worst day, was the day the doctor looked me in the eye and said, “There is no heartbeat.” How could that be? How could that happen? Why me?
I decided to share my grief in the hopes of dispelling it and also so that others who carry their grief around can know that they are not alone.
It Can Be Hard To See Friends With Babies
Today, I saw a friend that was due around the same time that I was. I wanted to be able to go over to her and congratulate her and take a look at her baby but I couldn’t do it. I thought about how I could get away unnoticed. When I decided it was not going to happen easily and that I might as well face it, I tried.
I went and said hello and asked how she was. But I couldn’t bring myself to look at her baby and thankfully she refrained from pulling down the stroller sunshade and showing him to me. I felt so little. So horrible inside that I could not express happiness for her. That I didn’t want to congratulate her. I know it doesn’t make any sense. I should be able to be happy for her. In fact I am, but I just can’t say so. I was afraid that if I looked at the baby, I would see what my baby could look like right now and it just tears my heart apart.
If I am being honest, I actually have a baby aversion to all newborn babies. I wonder if it will wear off or go away. I just feel like I am looking at what I am missing. Maybe I should just get over the powerful the urge to run away and hide. I wonder if I could if I tried harder. I wonder if I ever will?
The Grief, Anger, And Fear That Accompany Baby Loss Are Powerful
It has been a little over 8 months since my baby’s fetal demise. I feel fine most of the time but some times, the sadness comes out. I find myself sobbing at the slightest reminder and I am so surprised by how sad I can still feel.
Then when I see babies I feel mad at myself for feeling so selfish and not being able to share other people’s happiness. I feel angry at the world that I didn’t get to have my baby. I feel, “Why me?” even though I know there is no answer.
My husband wants to have another baby. I don’t think I do. I can’t get over the fear that something could go wrong again and the idea that maybe it was just meant to be that way.
Feelings are so hard to be consumed by. I know it is a process to work through these feelings that go with grief but I just feel so angry with myself and with the world. I would love for anyone with the a similar experience to share- will the baby aversion go away?
It Is OK To Feel
If you are coping with miscarriage, fetal demise, stillbirth, or infant death, you have empty arms. It is so hard. Try to cut myself some slack. Here is a quote that helps me to know that the pain I feel matters. That it is OK to have feelings. That the pain will fade to a dull ache with time.
“And when you try to minimize your own pain, you are doing yourself a disservice. Don’t do that. The truth is that it hurts because it is real. It hurts because it mattered. And that is an important thing to acknowledge to yourself. But that doesn’t mean that it won’t end, it won’t get better. Because it will.” – Quote from the novel, The Fault in Our Stars, by John Green
Would you like to share any helpful quotes about losing a baby or miscarriage? Reach out @familyfocusblog.
Conclusion
Sometimes pregnancies end early and we are left empty handed and broken hearted. But I want to get you faith that you can get through this. It is hard but I find that talking with family members or close friends is helpful when you are ready. If you are coping with miscarriage be sure to take care of yourself! Cut yourself some slack. Pamper yourself. Seek professional help or get a counsellor, if you can. Read something to help you process all of the overwhelming feelings after miscarriage. Remember, the grieving process and healing take time.
Coping with miscarriage is a deeply personal journey, often involving a blend of grief, healing, and resilience. While no experience of loss is the same, connecting with loved ones, finding support in trusted communities, and allowing space for self-compassion can help bring peace over time. Remember, there is no “right” way to grieve, and each day may feel different. By acknowledging the pain and taking gradual steps toward healing, it’s possible to find strength in the process and hope for the future. Above all, know that you are not alone, and support is available when you need it.
Helpful Resource: First Candle Supporting Families, Call their grief line at 800-221-7437
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