It has been a little over 8 months since my “fetal demise.” I am doing fine. I am doing fantastic, really, considering. But I still have my down times. I know that grief is a process and I try to be patient with myself but it is still hard.
Still Coping With The Grief of Losing My Baby
Today, I saw a friend that was due around the same time that I was. I wanted to be able to go over to her and congratulate her and take a look at her baby but I couldn’t do it. I thought about how I could get away unnoticed. When I decided it was not going to happen easily and that I might as well face it, I tried.
I went and said hello and asked how she was. But I couldn’t bring myself to look at her baby and thankfully she refrained from pulling down the stroller sunshade and showing him to me. I felt so little. So horrible inside that I could not express happiness for her. That I didn’t want to congratulate her. I know it doesn’t make any sense. I should be able to be happy for her and in fact I am, but I just can’t say so. I was afraid that if I looked at the baby I would see what my baby could look like right now and it just tears my heart apart.
I actually have baby aversion to all newborn babies too. I wonder if it will wear off or go away. I just feel like I am looking at what I am missing. Maybe I should just get over power the urge to run away and hide. I wonder if I could.
It has been a little over 8 months since my baby’s fetal demise. I feel fine most of the time but some times, the sadness comes out and I am so surprised by how sad I can still feel. Then when I see babies I feel mad at myself for feeling so selfish and not being able to share other people’s happiness.
My husband wants to have another baby. I don’t think I do. I can’t get over the fear that something could go wrong again and the idea that maybe it was just meant to be that way.
I know it is a process to work through these feelings that go with grief but I just feel so angry with myself and with the world. I would love for anyone with the a similar experience to share- will the baby aversion go away?