It has been a little over 8 months since my “fetal demise“, which is sort of a late term miscarriage. I am doing fine. I am doing fantastic, really, considering I was 26 weeks into the pregnancy. But I still have my down times coping with miscarriage. I know that grief is a process and I try to be patient with myself but it is still hard. The grief of losing a baby is an emotional burden that goes beyond logic. There is a surprising element of anger about losing my baby that I must deal with.
Still Coping With So Many Feelings After Losing My Baby
It Can Be Hard To See Friends With Babies
Today, I saw a friend that was due around the same time that I was. I wanted to be able to go over to her and congratulate her and take a look at her baby but I couldn’t do it. I thought about how I could get away unnoticed. When I decided it was not going to happen easily and that I might as well face it, I tried.
I went and said hello and asked how she was. But I couldn’t bring myself to look at her baby and thankfully she refrained from pulling down the stroller sunshade and showing him to me. I felt so little. So horrible inside that I could not express happiness for her. That I didn’t want to congratulate her. I know it doesn’t make any sense. I should be able to be happy for her. In fact I am, but I just can’t say so. I was afraid that if I looked at the baby, I would see what my baby could look like right now and it just tears my heart apart.
If I am being honest, I actually have a baby aversion to all newborn babies. I wonder if it will wear off or go away. I just feel like I am looking at what I am missing. Maybe I should just get over the powerful the urge to run away and hide. I wonder if I could if I tried harder. I wonder if I ever will?
The Grief, Anger, And Fear That Accompany Baby Loss Are Powerful
It has been a little over 8 months since my baby’s fetal demise. I feel fine most of the time but some times, the sadness comes out. I find myself sobbing at the slightest reminder and I am so surprised by how sad I can still feel.
Then when I see babies I feel mad at myself for feeling so selfish and not being able to share other people’s happiness. I feel angry at the world that I didn’t get to have my baby. I feel, “Why me?” even though I know there is no answer.
My husband wants to have another baby. I don’t think I do. I can’t get over the fear that something could go wrong again and the idea that maybe it was just meant to be that way.
Feelings are so hard to be consumed by. I know it is a process to work through these feelings that go with grief but I just feel so angry with myself and with the world. I would love for anyone with the a similar experience to share- will the baby aversion go away?
It Is OK To Feel
If you are coping with miscarriage, fetal demise, stillbirth, or infant death, you have empty arms. It is so hard. Try to cut myself some slack. Here is a quote that helps me to know that the pain I feel matters. That it is OK to have feelings. That the pain will fade to a dull ache with time.
“And when you try to minimize your own pain, you are doing yourself a disservice. Don’t do that. The truth is that it hurts because it is real. It hurts because it mattered. And that is an important thing to acknowledge to yourself. But that doesn’t mean that it won’t end, it won’t get better. Because it will.” – from the novel, The Fault in Our Stars, John Green
Would you like to share any quotes about losing a baby or miscarriage? Reach out @familyfocusblog.
If you are coping with miscarriage be sure to take care of yourself! Cut yourself some slack. Pamper yourself. See a counsellor if you can. Or read something to help you process all of the overwhelming feelings after miscarriage. Remember, healing takes time.