5 Stages of Coping at the DMV [Funny]

There are 5 stages of coping at the DMV  that everyone experiences at some point, in some order. Going to the Department of Motor Vehicles to get your license is one of those necessary parts of life that people struggle to make sense of. Emotions arise that you can’t quite explain. There are questions that absolutely no one can seem to answer or agree on. What you’re going through, although it’s the absolute worst, is completely normal. So sit back, relax, and enjoy some DMV humor!

5 Stages of Coping at the DMV- Humor

1. Denial

The first reaction to the DMV is often met by utter and complete avoidance. Upon arrival, you see a line of questionable people extending out the door and around the corner. The building itself looks like it has been crying with mascara on. There is a distinctly feral smell wafting from the premises. Instinctively, you punch the gas and defiantly keep driving right on by. Tomorrow, tomorrow will be better.

How to Cope:

The first step is parking. Be prepared to be here for a few hours, the sooner you can accept this the less it will hurt your soul. Over prepare and bring every single remotely relevant document you can think of. Third grade report card? Sure bring that too. Go ahead and try to call if you have any questions AND check out the website. If you are lucky enough to speak to a person, like pot of gold at the end of the rainbow lucky, tell them the whole situation. They posses magical knowledge that  is not available anywhere else. Yes, this is happening. This is your Everest. Go forth.

2. Anger

Somehow, someone has given you a number, A36, but they are calling F92. You try asking those in front of you what’s going on here. But no one knows what’s going on here. You’re missing documents you swore you made sure you didn’t need when you were lucky enough to speak with a person on the phone. They tell you to come back tomorrow (hello denial), or give you another number and ask you to wait.

How to Cope: 

Deplorable, savage acts may be crossing through your brain at this point, but now is the time to harness this energy into dominating angry birds (on mute). Do not take out your frustration on your co-waiters. Do not take it out on the DMV workers. And most importantly, do not get yourself thrown out by the resident officer. Becoming a person that does these things is one of the reasons the DMV is so unpleasant. Don’t let evil win.

3. Depression and Bargaining

A depressing decay of the human condition occurs when people are forced to wait. Faces visibly agitate. Feet starts tapping violently, gum chewing becomes a disgustingly ambient soundtrack around you. Nothing makes sense anymore. Giving up seems like the only possible option. You’re ready to drive off into the sunset like an expired- license vigilante. You don’t understand what you did wrong!? (Cue anger). If only you had renewed online, if only you had remembered a snack, if only you could make yourself just take the bus… Life is just unfair.

How to Cope:

Don’t end it all yet. Try to make this a moment of Zen. There will be all kind of situations in life that are awful and you are not in control of. Try making things more pleasant for those around you. If you can make it through this with a smile you can do anything. That stone-faced officer actually has some hilarious DMV stories to tell if you’d take the time to chat him up. Take steps next time to see what your options are way in advance. But for now, bring headphones and an awesome playlist.

4. More Anger

See number 2. This feeling happens all over again. Like a wild horse about to be broken, you are at the mercy of the unrelenting blank faced workers behind the counter. You realize all those awful people you had to deal with driving to the DMV, are the same awful people you are now forced to sit 3 inches from. This isn’t Kansas anymore.

How to Cope:

You. just. have. to. accept. it.

5. Acceptance

Eventually, around the one hour mark acceptance creeps in. People waiting start to claim the small leather square below their bottoms, settling in like destitute squatters. Thinking “this is where I will spend the rest of my days,” ­–­maybe crossing a leg will make it more comfortable. The man next to you prefers the slouchy, splayed open-leg squat, threatening to dominate part of your chair territory. Others start to size up the room for possible candidates in case the vending machine runs out and cannibalism is the only option left to sustain life.

How to Cope: 

There is light at the end of the tunnel. As the computer generated number caller slowly restores hope like the voice of God Himself, you start to believe you’ll make it through this. Take your new found strength out into the world. You may have to do this all over again in about 5 years, but you have been made a stronger person by the quest you’ve just gone through. Go in peace.

I hope these DMV funny tips helped you get by. What experiences have you had at the DMV? Do you have any DMV humor to make the process easier? Tell us about it!

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