Studies have long suggested that divorced and single-parenting may have negative effects on children. Children in these homes tend to perform worse in school, exhibit more behavioral problems, and are more likely to have social and relationship issues as they get older. But even in homes where parents are married, parents should be aware of how the state of their marriage is affecting their children. Children are expert imitators, and a couple’s relationship is often mirrored in the actions of their children. Here are four aspects of marriage that affects kids and what they are learning from our relationships.
Ways Your Marriage Affects Your Children
Dr. Jane Anderson, a Clinical Professor of Pediatrics at the University of California, San Francisco, says, “The best scientific literature to date suggests that, with the exception of parents faced with unresolvable marital violence, children fare better when parents work at maintaining the marriage”. Now, I am not advocating that you stay married no matter how unhappy you are. I am advocating that both the husband and the wife work at maintaining their marriage and putting in the effort and communication needed to keep it a healthy relationship. As a side note, I consider any marital violence unresolvable, in my opinion.
I am saying that calling it quits doesn’t give you an easy out. If both parties are willing to prioritize their marriage and family unit, working towards maintaining a happy household is admirable. None of us are perfect. Therefore, we should all expect to put in a little work to get through the bumps and turns of life together.
What do kids learn from your marriage?
Children can indeed learn a lot from observing their parents’ marriage or relationship. Here are some ways in which kids can learn from their parents’ marriage:
Communication Skills
Children observe how their parents communicate with each other, both verbally and non-verbally. They learn about the importance of expressing thoughts, feelings, and needs clearly and respectfully.
Conflict Resolution
Children learn problem-solving strategies by observing how their parents tackle challenges and obstacles together, whether they are related to finances, parenting, or other aspects of life. Conflict occurs in even the strongest marriage. It can actually be healthy for kids to see you and your spouse work through your differences. Avoiding any sort of argument in front of children can lead them to think that a strong relationship is an argument-free one and hurts their ability to work through problems in their future relationships.
When you and your spouse do have something to work out, do so in a positive, constructive way. Patiently and kindly tell your spouse that you feel he is spending too much time working in his dental office, and actively listen when he expresses frustration that your friend Brenna calls you almost every evening. Name calling, verbal or physical abuse, sarcasm, and talking behind each other’s backs will teach children that these are acceptable behaviors while at the same time making them feel anxious. Children also notice silence and lack of interaction between parents.
Children who are worried about their parents’ relationship rarely vocalize their feelings and instead tend to misplace their anxiety and act out. Performing poorly in school, talking back, or becoming disinterested in friends or activities may be signs of a child’s anxiety about discord between parents. If you and your spouse are fighting, seek a healthy way to work out your differences. Be open with your children and reassure them that parents sometimes disagree, but they still love each other.
Emotional Regulation
Children learn how to manage their emotions by observing how their parents deal with stress, frustration, anger, and other emotions within the context of the marriage. This emotion regulation skills (or lack there of) can have a profound effect on their relationships throughout life.
Affection
Whenever my dad kisses my mom in front of us kids, she smiles. Then she gets embarrassed and tells him to stop. Once she commented that she doesn’t kiss our dad in front of us because we don’t like it. I (and I suspect my siblings too) wanted to yell, “No, we want you to kiss”! Ok, we don’t want to see them make out or anything (gross). While we don’t actually want to see them kiss, we do want to know that it happens.
Affection between parents gives kids a sense of security. If mom and dad are doing well, it feels like everything will be ok. Closeness between spouses leads to closeness within the family. Children learn about relationships by watching their parents. Those who see their parents showing their love and being openly affectionate with each other are more likely to be open in their current and future relationships. And remember, children don’t see what happens behind closed doors; avoiding affection in front of them may send the wrong message that you and your spouse aren’t very close.
How To Treat One Another
Parents who demonstrate mutual respect and empathy towards each other teach their children the importance of treating others with kindness, understanding, and consideration. There are the obvious but still important things like being polite and using proper manners in the way we talk to each other. Then there are the less obvious attitudes that they are picking up from us. Things like being nice to each other will always get you further. Or as my grandmother used to say, “Honey catches more flies than vinegar.” Attitudes like, we all make mistakes and we can all learn from our mistakes and do better next time. They are learning to be polite, nice, ask for things they need, practice forgiveness, and to support one another.
I once heard someone say, “Treat your spouse the way you want your future child’s future spouse to treat them someday”. I think it may have been from Dr. Laura. That is a real eye opening message if you stop and think about it.
Teamwork
Being a team means putting your spouse before your kids and being unified on rules, routines, and expectations. It may sound cruel to put anyone before your kids, but studies have shown that couples who put their kids before each other not only hurt their marital relationship but also their relationship with their kids. When kids come before spouses the kids tend to be needier and less secure.
When mom and dad are a team, kids feel safe and grounded because they can expect consistency. There is no “But Dad said I could” or “Mom told me I didn’t have to.” Part of building a marital team is not making mom the constant bad cop because she is with the kids all day or making dad the less-authoritative figure because he is away at work.
It’s ok (in fact, it’s important) to have date nights and explain to your kids that you want some time for just the two of you. Parents who do so report that their kids become less demanding and whiny and are better able to entertain themselves. And date nights allow parents to maintain the romantic aspect of their relationship.
I am fortunate to have loving parents who have always had a strong marriage. However, my parents are very independent people who, though they love each other, tend to spend more time apart than together and often parent separately. Though unwitting and unintentional, their lack of team model has affected the culture of our home. Though you may feel your marriage is strong, pay attention to the model that you could be presenting to your children.
Commitment and Loyalty
A stable and loving marriage can instill in children the values of commitment, dedication, and loyalty in relationships.
Division of Labor
Most homes run more smoothly and efficiently when family members are assigned specific tasks. However, family members sometimes get into a habit of labeling certain activities as “his job” or “her job,” creating divisions or leading to resentment when others don’t help out.
Children who see parents serving each other freely and helping with each other’s “jobs” learn to serve also. Creating a culture of service in the home helps everyone become part of the family “team.” Siblings will be more prone to help each other and to not bicker. Children will be more likely to build their future homes on love and service rather than a mentality of “mine” and “yours.”
Self-Identity and Self-Worth
The quality of the relationship between parents can significantly impact children’s self-esteem and sense of security. A stable and loving marriage provides a supportive environment for children to develop a positive self-image.
Healthy Boundaries
Observing boundaries within the marital relationship can help children understand the importance of setting boundaries in their own relationships and respecting the boundaries of others.
Conclusion
If you feel that your children are struggling in some way, first reflect on your relationship with your spouse. Children see much more than we sometimes realize, and their behavior may be a reflection of the strength of your marriage or conversely a sign of something that needs improvement. Communicating with your spouse frequently about these four aspects of your marriage will help you to build a strong, healthy marriage and home.
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